Life is chaos.

Things happen. Details change. Choices made.

Every minute. Every hour. Every day.

Constantly.

We want to make GOOD choices, of course. We look at the information at hand, weigh all of the available options, and then pick the one we believe will yield the desired result.

But was that the right choice? Did I have the right information? Were there other things to consider? Have I just screwed everything up?

Welcome to my struggle.

I have a highly analytical mind. I thoroughly look at a situation or a problem, and then mentally lay out out all of the possible solutions to it, along with the possible ramifications of each solution. This has served me quite well; my computer consulting business has thrived over the past 23 years mainly due to my expert troubleshooting skills. I figure out why a problem is occurring and deduce the perfect resolution to it.

But life in general? Perhaps not so much. Because I can’t turn the machinery off.

When I’m presented with a choice in my personal life, I will analyze it to DEATH. Over and over. Obsessively. What do I do? How will that affect me? What if I regret the decision?

If somebody tells me about a choice they made that displeases me, I will scrutinize and hypothesize why they made it. Was it something I said? Should I have seen this coming? Can I still do something to change it?

I live in the world of the “What If”. What if this is a bad idea? What if I end up losing something or someone? What if I’m not good enough? Every myriad possibility spans widely out in front of me, and I need to investigate each and every one.

It’s all driven by fear, of course. Fear of failure. Fear of loss. Fear of the unknown. I barely have a grasp on what I have now… please don’t make me change it.

Because of this, often the result is inaction. Nothing happens; no choice is made. At least, no choice made by me – the world itself will throw its dice and remove that burden from me. Sometimes it resolves for the better, things work out and, whew, I’m sure glad I didn’t go THAT route. More often than not, though, it results in an opportunity lost. A chance gone forever… and forever to think about it.

I know people that just “go with their gut” without a second thought. They see something that they want, and they just jump right in and take action. They don’t mind that the odds are against them. They don’t care that they could lose their shirt. They’re not even the slightest bit fazed that their entire world could come crashing down around them. They just do it and watch what happens. I can shake my head, laugh and call them hopeless fools, and perhaps they are. But I also envy them.

For a mind so thoroughly vexed by alternatives and outcomes, a touch of ignorance could truly be bliss.