Disappointment brings up a whole cacophony of emotions.  Anger, sorrow, fear… each one twisting around inside of you like a wrestling match for control of your inner psyche.

I’ve had to deal with disappointment quite a lot this year, and last week brought some more to my doorstep.  A few months ago I chose to reestablish a relationship with my ex-fiancé Ellen.  I ignored all of my better judgment, hoped for a miracle, and on Thursday got burned to a brittle crisp.

Those of you closer to me are probably wishing you could slap me through your screen.  My history with Ellen has been a very long, tumultuous one.  I could write a really, really long post about it – and perhaps I will someday.  Suffice it to say that we’ve always had a unique chemistry together, and she was a tempting diversion out of the long road to recovery from my previous relationship with Jinkee.

But it all came tumbling down, and now I’m back where I started.

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So why did I briefly jump backward when I should have been jumping forward?

As I mentioned in previous posts, I am an introvert that also suffers through my own special brand of social anxiety.  The circles of close friends and companions throughout my life have been small and few.  My outlets for interaction beyond work have been, admittedly by my own design, limited.  So recovering my sense of self after an emotional apocalypse can be a difficult process.

I have been putting myself out there in various ways since the breakup in February.  I’ve joined a couple of interest groups and attend them when I can.  I’ve reestablished connections with friends that fell by the wayside.  I’m attending more local events and shows, and I’m doing more of my work out in public instead of hiding in a suffocating room.

However, I still often feel like there is a barrier between me and the rest of the world that’s preventing me from interacting the way I should be able to.  There is some strange disconnect… like I am out of phase with reality.  Am I just white noise in the symphony?  Do I make any impression at all?

It’s just my own perception.  It’s not real… at least I hope it’s not.

But when a friendly voice from the past calls from out of the blue, it’s a great comfort to hear.  Suddenly the synergy becomes apparent again.  Life feels simpler.  Problems melt away.  It’s an easy escape from the misery and pain.

We fell right back in to where we left off.  I had a lot of lingering trepidation at first, but her bright smile and constant exuberance whittled it all away.  We spent the summer months together just enjoying life and our common interests, helping with each other’s goals, and optimistically planning things to come.

Eventually, though, reality reasserted itself.  Old issues began to reappear.  And, just as suddenly, it’s over.  I am once again left scraping the remnants of my heart and dignity off the floor.

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Sometimes you can’t go back, as much as you dearly want it to.  The damage from the last time remains, and Ellen’s personal challenges make it impossible to repair it.

I know many of us have fallen into this trap at least once… or maybe twice.  When we look back at our past relationships, we often think on some of them and wonder, if things had been different, would it have worked?  It’s a seductive thought when you are struggling.  In my case, I really wanted to believe that we both had changed enough to complete the journey we had started together.  Ultimately, though, we ended up winding around the same dark circles as before.

So now again I take the first step alone back into the abyss, hoping to find a brighter path to walk on.